Things to Do in Rexburg, Idaho

1. Sammy’s

Just one block from campus, Sammy’s serves as an excellent date destination. Hipsters and desperate roommates on “girls’ night out” load the noisy environment. With all the distractions, you won’t have to worry about your less-than-attractive date noticing the lettuce from Date #1 wedged between your two front teeth. Wait half an hour for Dinner #2: a gas-inducing burger and battered fries. Send that food baby out to the third trimester with a pie shake. Yes, a slice of pie mixed into a cup of your favorite vanilla ice cream with a grainy consistency sort of like McDonald’s. Sounds great, huh? I was lucky enough once to watch them make those pies. The lovely girls with pixie cuts and cuffed jeans work behind the counter opening cans of the ready-to-eat pie filling and plop it into the fresh-from-the-freezer crust. A pie shake straight from heaven.

Nothing would end this night on the town better than moving back to the music room. Sit back down on the bed-bug infested couches to hear some more of your favorite music played loud enough for you to bypass the awkward talk with your date. In the meantime, loosen your belt a notch or two or use the nursery-sized bathroom in order to not scare your date away with your fumes. Unless you don’t mind staying strangers.

Going to Sammy’s without a date? Don’t worry, there’s something for everyone. Come alone and sit along the wall watching people have the time of their lives. Pretend to sing along to the same mediocre music the hotties, hipsters, and hornies know by heart. Come here often enough and you’ll be able to sing along to the garage-band music as well. Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll start dressing like them too.

2. Campus Gardens

What could be more romantic that roaming through the hundreds of feet of paths through trees, flowers, and streams surrounded by the world’s largest population of kissing couples? The pheromones in the air will surely draw your special someone closer to you.

Now that you’ve spent your food allowance on a ring, Disneyland is out of budget. This is the next best thing to the happiest place on earth. Just drop down on one knee in the gazebo donated by the class of 2005 and hear her say yes to a third date. This time, use Facebook to invite your whole family and all your acquaintances to either the reception in a Provo cultural hall or at her house in Colorado. Don’t forget to Instagram it.

Oh, and while you’re at it, tell all your classes about how romantic the gardens were and how your roommates were so thoughtful as to hide in the bushes and record the whole ordeal. Don’t mind the couples in the foreground. Their roommates kicked them out too.

3. Saint Anthony Sand Dunes

Yes, technically, the dunes don’t classify as Rexburg. And you need a car, but honestly, there is nothing more thrilling than driving for twenty minutes squished between five people in the back seat of a Honda Civic with Adele blaring from only the left side speaker. Stumble out onto the warm sand and imagine the sound of the ocean.

Then, remember you’re in Idaho, nowhere near the godliness of the west coast.

Also, remember to remind the fortunate driver to park his car somewhere conveniently close to the intended bonfire destination so when the coppers inevitably drive by, they can leave a fun, expensive letter under the wiper. Shiver while a bunch of Eagle scouts show off their lack of knowledge in the fire-starting category. Once the firelight is bright enough (two hours later), it will completely hide the fact that you didn’t spend the previous two hours on your hair and makeup to impress the person your roommate swore would be there.

And it’s perfect that tomorrow is laundry day. Two runs through the washer will take out the smoke and the sand in your jeggings and TOMS from when Handsome-In-The-Firelight and What’s-His-Face-Playing-Guitar challenged you to roll down the dune. The rocks hidden in the darkness make every trip a suspense-filled adventure.

4. Actually Attend Class

Maybe prove to your parents that they actually pay for a decent education. But keep Elementary Education as your major. Really, it will get you married.

5. Nothing

There is nothing to do in Rexburg, Idaho. Good luck, ickle freshies. I’m outta here.