Today I love everyone.

Yesterday I hated everyone and everything. Today I love everyone and everything. I'm blessed that my parents and siblings are my best friends. I lovelovelove them. One day I'll be forced to move out for forever but then I'll be going to live with my best friend/husband so it'll be okay then. For now, I'll stay home as long as possible. Yes.

Oh and I can't take my medicine anymore because it makes me cranky. It's either cranky with medicine or cranky with a headache. Of course, cranky with medicine wins but maybe if I try really, really hard, I can push away the goblin in my brain that's constantly poking at it.

My favorite thing about being in love is that there's someone to listen to all the stupid things about my useless day. He cares that I had to stop and tie my shoelace and that caused someone to trip over me. He loves listening to that. I miss that.

Warm cocoa on a cold day. But only with marshmallows.

Even if it's only me.

Don't wake me up. I am still sleeping.

Getting old.

Growing up is weird. Responsibilities, leaving home, learning to love, aches and pains. Mostly though, it's odd to discover things about myself, things that have always been but things I never noticed. Like my non confrontational nature. Talking to the people that matter about the things that matter is so hard for me. Even being so in love with someone that my tummy aches won't force me to talk. It's pansy-ish of me, but it's hard. Then today I realized that when I'm angry or upset or just bothered, I'm quiet. It's not that the thoughts aren't running, it's just that I've reached the point where complaining won't do me any good (and it never does any good). So today I was quiet. I'm all hot and bothered because I'm upset at myself. Meh.

But maybe it's a good thing that I don't speak my mind. Because when the times come that I have the courage to say it, it doesn't matter anymore. Boo ya.

Things I miss:

 

Taste it.

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
-Louise Erdrich

Keep going.

Keep going. It's making you stronger.

Sometimes I just want someone to talk to.
Not to receive advice.
Not to be judged.
Just to be heard and listened to.

FridayOctoberTwentyEighthTwoThousandandEvelen

"Just because we're not friends anymore doesn't mean you didn't change me. I owe a lot of the current me to you."

"We would be perfect together. And not just perfect like you see in the movies. Not the perfect that isn't perfect six and a half years from now. It's the perfect because you're my best friend and you've been my best friend for longer than most people. We've been through a lot and I don't pretend around you. There's no pretending at all. If we were to date, we would be happy."
"Stop being a dirty little slut and stop being that fake little B that I want to punch. You turned my best friend into your little minion. I'ma punch you right now. Okay? Okay."
"Kiss me on the mouth. Right now."

This list could go on, really.

I have an awful habit- problem more than habit- of not being able to say what I think. Maybe it's from years of getting shot down when I did. I don't know. Motivation doesn't matter in this case. Either way, I can't say what I think so I write it down in my little notebook that also happens to be purple. Lots of letters to lots of people. Lots of letters that will never be sent.

For today, just listen.

Don’t think or judge, just listen.
-Sarah Dessen

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
-Lemony Snicket

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.
-Edgar Allan Poe

Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.
-John Greenleaf Whittier

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
-Oscar Wilde

For today.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.
-Albert Einstein

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
-Virginia Woolf

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.
-Robert Frost

I wish these entries didn't need titles.

Today I reached page 100 of my Word document journal. It's a funny thing when a year ago I wrote the sameish thing as I wrote today. I've changed so much but I'm still in the same place.

Slow down.

We've got time left to be lazy.
It was love at second sight.
I'll set the table, you can make the fire.

One day I'm going to have a really neat library

Giggle on the inside

Stay Young, Go Dancing

Let us read, and let us dance; these two amusements will never do any harm to the world.
-Voltaire

3, 2, 1

3:
Whatever you are, be a good one.
-Abraham Lincoln


We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.
-Kurt Vonnegut

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
-Gloria Steinem

 2:

Aaaand one book that I strongly recommend:

Craving..

Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.
-Sylvia Plath

Live to the point of tears.
-Albert Camus

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
-Dave Barry

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.
-Chuck Palahniuk

Drink some tea.

And watercolor.

Note to self

Try:

 People that aren't me know me a lot better than I do.

Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.
-Mark Twain

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.
-Chuck Palahniuk

One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.
-Jack Kerouac

Rainy days.

What's better than hot tea on a rainy day?

.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?
-Ernest Hemingway

The cure for boredom is curiosity.There is no cure for curiosity.
-Dorothy Parker

Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that’s beautiful.
-Milan Kundera

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.
-Oscar Wilde

I found a new best friend.

Sometimes God knows exactly what I need. He knew that I needed a best friend to love me just as much as I love her. She understands me always and when she doesn't, she figures out how. She thinks that I'm so amazing and she would never try to change me. She is just cutest, sweetest, most wonderful girl ever. We've known each other for a month but we know everything about our lives and the greatest thing is that she doesn't judge me for my past. Okay. It's good to be loved.

What happens when...

...one of those days turns into one of those weeks and then unfolds and becomes two? I miss home.

Read some words that actually mean something.

Not this blog... but a book by Tim O'Brien. The Things They Carried is definitely the best book I read this year, maybe ever. I don't even know what to say about it. It's just beautiful. Some guy named Rick Bass from the Dallas Morning News says, "I've got to make you read this book." So ditto that.

To you

LET us twain walk aside from the rest;
Now we are together privately, do you discard ceremony,
Come! vouchsafe to me what has yet been vouchsafed to none—Tell me the whole story,
Tell me what you would not tell your brother, wife, husband, or physician.

-Walt Whitman

So perfect.

I need to find the person that realizes that we'd be perfect together. It's an absolute necessity. I know there's someone out there who is exactly what I'm dreaming of. Where are you, darling?

Literature is love.

Who are my best friends?

These people.

When they can't fall asleep at night.

Have you ever wondered how often other people think about you? Yeah, duh. We all do it. While we're walking down the street, through the grocery store or just sitting in the library, we wonder what people are thinking of us. But that's not really what I'm talking about here. The question that most comes to mind for me is if other people-not just randoms, but friends- think of me as much as I think about them. Certain people flash through my mind all day. Maybe every few minutes. Am I on their mind as often? Really, it may just be my self-deprecating personality, but I’m pretty positive that no one thinks about me as much as I think of them.

That's why I want to fall in love and have someone love me back. Then I know I'm on their mind like they're on mine.  

Post script: Dear you, stop showing up in every single one of my dreams. Thanks.