When they can't fall asleep at night.

Have you ever wondered how often other people think about you? Yeah, duh. We all do it. While we're walking down the street, through the grocery store or just sitting in the library, we wonder what people are thinking of us. But that's not really what I'm talking about here. The question that most comes to mind for me is if other people-not just randoms, but friends- think of me as much as I think about them. Certain people flash through my mind all day. Maybe every few minutes. Am I on their mind as often? Really, it may just be my self-deprecating personality, but I’m pretty positive that no one thinks about me as much as I think of them.

That's why I want to fall in love and have someone love me back. Then I know I'm on their mind like they're on mine.  

Post script: Dear you, stop showing up in every single one of my dreams. Thanks.

I'm okay waiting. But...

 

So I'm not waiting. And there's no convincing to be done. There is no person on my mind. Well, there is a person but right now he's only imaginary. He's somewhere but I just haven't met him yet. I'm sure he's wondering about me too. But there's something about it that's hard. It's the part about being patient. It's the part where I need to let go those that let me go. It's the part of not knowing who is worth my time, energy, and heart. And as for today, I'm lonely. Fuhreak.

Being creative.

But most importantly, be yourself. Let your thoughts run free.

The reason my room is always a mess.

For those of you that don't know me...

I have these crazy, detailed dreams and I remember they unusually well. Much of the time they set the course of my day. A great dream means a great morning which means a great day. This time the dream was awful. All of my friends went on a trip to my house in California. It wasn't actually my house but in the dream it was my giant house. So my parents were there and my sister too. One of my friends was taking a shower while I was making a yogurt sandwich. I accidentally spilled some yogurt on the door and in the process of scraping it off, I knocked on the door. The person on the other end yelled, "Seriously?" in a rather frustrated tone. I explained the situation and he was still upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that I'm scum. Yeah. Scum. Who says that anymore? Apparently my subconscious does. I chased him around till he agreed to let us talk alone. We were walking and talking and then all of a sudden I was just on the phone with him and he wasn't saying anything. I was just explained my side of the story. When it was his turn to speak, there was only silence on the other end. I looked at the phone and it wasn't in a call. I found him next to the spa with everyone else. Then it was time for dinner so we filed over to the table. He was really rude as he grabbed a plate for me and continued this awful attitude for the remainder of the dream.
Basically it was a terrible dream but it's not true, right? So I have no reason to start my day of bad. Plus, I have no school today. That's an automatic mood lifter.

You know what's amazing? I can actually remember so many times this summer that I did something for the first time.

Confusing sometimes.

Why can I share my every thought with complete strangers but to the ones that actually matter, my mouth won't move? It's like a little girl crush where I'm way too nervous to say anything. My heart races and I just can't talk. The filter suddenly turns up way too high and everything I think sounds stupid. Nothing works to start the conversation and it's a long ride on silence. Why?

One day, it'll happen.

Leaving.

I always get rather despondent when leaving places. And I'm not a huge fan of sentimental goodbyes. I'll just walk away and let my eyes leak without turning around.

But on a happier note, I love airplanes and flying. My airplane song is called At The Bottom of Everything and it's by Bright Eyes.

So there was this woman and she was on an airplane, and she was flying to meet her fiancé seaming high above the largest ocean on planet earth. She was seated next to this man she had tried to start conversations, but the only thing she had really heard him say was to order his Bloody Mary. She was sitting there and she was reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that she couldn’t even pronounce the name of. And she was feeling very bored and despondent. And then suddenly there was this huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out, and they started just falling thirty-thousand feet, and the pilots on the microphone and he’s saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, oh my god... I'm sorry” and apologizing. And she looks at the man and says “Where are we going?” and he looks at her and he says “We’re going to a party. It’s a birthday party. It’s your birthday party. Happy birthday darling. We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much.” And then he starts humming this little tune, it kind of goes like this: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

We must talk in every telephone
Get eaten off the web
We must rip out all the epilogues in the books that we have read
And in the face of every criminal
Strapped firmly to a chair
We must stare, we must stare, we must stare

We must take all of the medicines too expensive now to sell
Set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell
And in the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn’t dream
We must sing, we must sing, we must sing

It’ll go like this:

While my mother waters plants
My father loads his guns
He says death will give us back to God
Just like this setting sun is returned to this lonesome ocean

And then they splashed into the deep blue sea
It was a wonderful splash

We must blend into the choir
Sing as static with the whole
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul
And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run

We must hang up in the belfry
Where the bats and moonlight laugh
We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past
And in the caverns of tomorrow
With just our flashlights and our love
We must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge

And then we’ll get down there, way down to the very bottom of everything
And then we’ll see it, oh we’ll see it, we’ll see it, we’ll see it

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world’s waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I’m happy just because
I found out I am really no one

One day soon.

The Hush Sound says it all.

Why do you sing to everybody but me? Why do I let it go on?
You've got such a music box song in my head all day long.
You fell for a girl with wild eyes, dressed in satin and lace.
She's just an empty diamond mine with moan across her face.

I can love you much better
If you can't see it you're blind
I can love you much better
And you know someday I'm going to make you mine.

You are the daydream in my eyes, there whenever I wake up
But the colors never crystallize and I never get enough
And while you kiss everybody but me, I just sit back and watch
But one day soon, I'm gonna grab you by the collar
and kiss you all I want!

 Sometimes I paint.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8cCPH1qnYI&feature=youtu.be

 And this is my 'during church' artwork.

 

I don't understand how those people on DIY network can redo a whole bathroom in three days. It took me that long just to paint one. Well, I suppose they have more than one person and they probably buy enough paint the first time.

New Week's Resolutions.

I want to live in this house. I LOVE it.

Bunny wabbits.

Look at the size of those waves. They're splashing the people on the pier. Sheesh.

You know what I really enjoy? Writing letters and never sending them. But the key is to start with the body of the letter and write to whomever you have in mind but don't ever open with their name. The letter may change audience halfway through. Then when you are finished write their name at the top. Or open with "dear you." That's what I do so if someone secretly reads it, they won't ever know who it's for. It's a nice way to tell someone how you feel without actually telling them. It gets rid of those little girl giggles when you see them. Try it, maybe?

I love dandelions.

 

I don't know why. Just something about them amazes me.

A great picture.

Lovely photograph by Jason Lucas

Photo adventures.

I always want to take a photo of exactly what I see.
Glasses, hair blowing in the wind, maybe even my eyelashes,
but this is as close as I've ever gotten.

Spiderweb.

Cool sand storm, huh?

What do you see in the clouds?

Love these TOMS.

A few well placed words are worth a thousand more.

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things

Waking up and remembering my dreams perfectly.
Pulling into my destination right as a song ends.
Dreams that could be movies.
When he smiles and laughs.
Mismatched socks.
Driving into the sunrise.
The smell of crayons and books.
Reading on the trampoline till the sun goes down.
Finding musical soul mates.
Watching how different birds fly.

Laughing at myself, especially when no one else is.
Feeling pretty.

Secretly walking to the beat of the music in my headphones.
Taking pictures of pretty things.
Funny license plates.
Naps.
Getting a letter in the mail.
My fish.
Making my dad laugh.
Unexpected text messages.
Being me and loving who I am.

Rachel 29

Love as much as you can. Why? Because every time you love and every time you fall in love, your capacity to love grows. Fourteen years old mutter words to each other that they hardly understand but they mean it when they say "I love you" to each other. They mean it as much as they can. Then she turns twenty and whispers is again. She still means it but it means so much more this time. She still may not understand it, and the meaning may have been tweaked by time and experience, but she means it. She loves him. And when the eighty year old couple who has seen their five children grow and have children of their own recite these words to each other, they have a whole new definition. It's a connotation though, nothing that can be found in a dictionary. They love each other for the times they hated each other. They love because of every last flaw and every imperfection. And they love because they find one another perfect for those flaws. They love each other bigger than the fourteen and twenty year olds because they have loved and loved and their capacity to love is ginormous. So don't be afraid to fall in love. Yes, it sucks when falling out but it's necessary for growth.

Rachel 28

Sometimes I wonder what life will be like when it's meshed with another person's life. I have a pretty decent idea of what my life, my house, my schedule, and all that stuff would be like if I were to live by myself for the rest of forever. But add a man and it changes. Then once we get comfortable, or even before then, some kids are thrown into the equation. The only thing constant is change. But anyways, will he like how I decorate? Will he care? If he wants a perfect house with couches that match the drapes, he shouldn't even ask me on the first date. That's not how I roll. Eclectic and fantastic is the only way my house will be. We'll have our own art on the walls. The chairs around the table will all be different. Not a single plate will match. Not because we'll be poor (but if we are, I don't care) but because I love it that way. And if a plate breaks, the set isn't incomplete because we'll run over to Salvation Army and get another non-matching plate. Oh love love love. I love my life. And I love the one with whom my life will mold completely and perfectly.

Rachel 27

It's summer and I'm concentrating my desire to do something useful into art. I've never considered myself and artist. I can't even doodle in the margins of my class notes. But here are some pictures of the things I've done.

Before... Just crayons hot glued to the top of canvas. A bunch of the crayons were broken, but don't worry, they'll melt and you can't even tell in the finished thing.
Oh... leave outside and blow dry till they melt and drip as far as you want.

I like it upside down like this. That's probably how I'll hang it.

Puffy paint.

So my white TOMS are lovely but they needed to love so why not embroider them? ♥

Rachel 26

Things I love about summer and being home:
1. Swimming instead of showering
2. I've gotten and received a total of ten text messages today.
3. Going to the beach tomorrow.
4. Going 15 mph over the speed limit and not getting pulled over because everyone else is going just as fast.
5. Waterproof makeup or none at all.
6. Cutting all my holy jeans into shorts.
7. I can tell my mom about my CRAZY dreams and she always gets super interested.
8. Watermelon for breakfast, lunch, dinner and all the meals in between.
9. No room in the closet (thanks Bekah) so I'm living out of my suitcase.
10. Having nothing better to do than 'like' everything on Jason Lucas's page while listening to Mumford and Sons after a fantastic homemade dinner of steak and potatoes. I live a good life.
11. The family watching Phineas and Ferb together.
12. Waking up whenever that dang sun feels like streaming through the one broken blind and shining right across my pillow.
13. Doing math at the dinner table with my family.
14. Planning road trips that won't ever happen.
15. Skype dates with Jason Lucas and T'Jae Thorkelson.
16. Mom talking about pools being the silent killer. Aaron saying ninjas are the silent killer.
17. Throwing carrots at the dinner table.